Monster
by SPS-kun
Summary: Trans/intersex!AU Mitarai always thought of himself as a monster.


**Monster**

A Yu Yu Hakusho fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy

A/N: This edition of Author's Notes is long, so bear with me.

I am fully aware that, in canon, Mitarai is a guy, cut-and-dried. But I realized that one could have an "alternate interpretation" of his character as FtM transgender/intersex within the canonical framework. I also know that most people with androgen insensitivity syndrome (the specific disorder Mita-chan has in this fic) who were raised as females identify as women, but I had to give Mitarai an intersex condition because, in Japan, it's the only allowable reason for someone to get sex reassignment surgery as young as he is.

In other words, AU!trans!intersex!fic ahoy. If this stuff squicks you, or you can't stand the thought of Mitarai being anything but 100 percent male, do NOT read this fic. I've given you enough warning, and I am fully aware that this is not canon, so don't bitch at me if you're not too fond of the subject matter. I'm just writing this to cover my rear end.

-SPS

* * *

Ever since he could remember, Mitarai was disgusted with himself.

His parents placed him in the frilliest dresses and kept his hair long; everyone in his family saw him as a girl, because that's what the stupid medical establishment had said he was when he was born. 'Kiyoko', his name was. It made him sick, as far as he could remember.

He would remember wandering around the house in those cutesy-poo girl's clothes his mother stuffed him into, looking into the mirror, expecting to see himself, but only getting a cotton-candy-pink masquerade of a person staring back at him. He felt like such a freak, but he knew he had to play along, or else, he feared, his parents would stop loving him- or rather the "her" that they had the illusion of.

His favorite story as a child was Pinocchio; he identified with that puppet so damn much. He would brag about how he had no strings, to trip up over them anyway; and every night, after his mother put him to bed, he prayed that he, too, would become a real boy, just like in the fairy tale.

Year in and year out, as he grew up, he had to wear the stifling mask of 'Kiyoko'. Even when his sister Momo was born, who was a girly-girl to outdo the girliest girl imaginable, and liked wearing his old poofy pink clothes, he had to keep up appearances- even when his little sister called him "oniichan", and the whole family laughed, even though he thought Momo was just being perceptive. Wearing the girls' uniform to school everyday was nothing short of humiliating for him; the other children saw that he wasn't very self-confident and knew about his family ancestry, so they started to taunt him for having a German mother, and for slipping up in English class when he read the sentences as German instead of English. It wasn't anywhere near as terrible as the bullying he would face later in his life, however, when his prayers were answered.

'Kiyoko' didn't get 'her' period at the time when other girls did, and Mitarai's family assumed there was something wrong, even though he was growing small breasts- which still disgusted him because they were growing on _his_ body, and yet not his. When he sprouted his breasts, he started cutting his arms with a razorblade to distract himself from their overbearing presence. His blood would run down into the bathroom sink; his cuts would heal, but the person he saw in the mirror, the person he started cutting to get away from, was still the same monster from his nightmares.

He went to his family physician when his parents noticed his self-mutilation, and he ran some diagnostic tests on him, including a karyotype, and referred him to a psychiatrist for a follow-up evaluation. A few weeks later, the tests came back, the evaluations were done, and the Mitarai family learned that their eldest daughter was genetically, as well as mentally, their son- the doctor diagnosed complete androgen insensitivity syndrome, and the psychiatrist confirmed he had gender identity disorder, of the type that goes along with intersex conditions. When he found out this news, he was elated, and told his mother he was going out to get a haircut. She cursed at him in German for a bit for daring to cut off his long hair, but finally saw that 'she' was her son-the doctors said so- and there was nothing she could do about it, and sat back down to watch television.

A while after that, they performed a mastectomy on him to get rid of those hideous breasts; when he woke up from the surgery, he was elated. His family grudgingly changed his name and sex in the family registry, and he began what he considered to be his real life- Kiyoshi's life. But it wasn't all he had it cracked up to be.

Because his parents lacked the financial resources after paying for his surgery, he had to return to the same middle school he had attended as 'Kiyoko'. His teachers seemed to understand the situation, but his homeroom teacher made a critical mistake when she introduced him as the new student, "Mitarai Kiyoshi". Since "Mitarai" wasn't a common last name, the kanji spelling of "kiyo" was the same in "Kiyoko" and "Kiyoshi", and they had the same haircut, although slicked-back and made more masculine-looking by his last barber's visit, everyone in his classed picked up on it, and was soon howling with laughter.

"Oh, God, this is rich!," screamed one boy in the front row. "Yeah, 'his' name"-here he made air quotes-"is 'Kiyoshi'. And I'm Doraemon! Want to see my fourth-dimensional pocket?" More raucous laughter followed.

The girl behind him whispered, "Oh, Moriyama-kun, you're so funny! And Kiyoko's a damn tranny-who knew? ...I'm gonna pee my pants if I keep laughing this hard!"

The homeroom teacher yelled for quiet upon seeing the intensely worried look on Mitarai's face. "Class, Mitarai-kun can't help it. He has an intersex condition and…"

The class stopped for a bit, and then began chortling. "Yeah, right!" yelled another boy, which elicited howls of laughter from the class once more.

The bell rang, and the teacher left. Between homeroom and first period, some of the boys took it upon themselves to give Mitarai the first of many cruel, tortuous beatings. They efficiently kept it a secret from all of their teachers, and pretended to like Mitarai whenever they were around, but snickered to themselves after they gave him praise.

Mitarai came home one day a few months after the horrendous bullying had started, and cut his arms, as he did back when he was distressed about his growing breasts. He watched the blood trickle down his arm, until it hit a puddle of water in the sink.

Something living, it seemed, was coming into being in the sink basin, a mixture of masculine bloodshed and feminine water, oddly enough. He looked down at it, and there was a small monster, about six inches tall, looking up at him.

_Only a monster could come from a monster_, he thought.

As he stared at it, he knew that somehow, some way, he was going to get revenge on his classmates. He could feel the sense of power tingling down his back as he made the creature move around his bathroom; something inside of him told him he needed to practice this more.

He wondered, even for a moment, if anyone else found the capacity to do something like this as of recently, and, if there were, if he could meet them, and maybe, just _maybe_, he'd actually have real friends for once, who accepted him the way he was.

He made the water-monster go away using his willpower, as he didn't want his parents or Momo to see it, and went to his bedroom to take a nap, his head dizzy with dreams of new camaraderie and old-fashioned revenge.

-FIN


End file.
